Once upon a time.. Many lifetimes ago, in a land not too far from here, there lived another version of myself that starkly contrasts the one that exists in this reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I say many lifetimes, but it was only a decade.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I spent my adolescence in a little retirement community (turned meth\/prostitution-town) in Southern California, called Hemet. When I moved there at the age of 12, it was a sweet, cute (compared to where I came from), & full of new opportunity for myself & my siblings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We came from a TINY town in New Mexico, so even Hemet seemed large & busy to us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Moving to California was a timeline jump that changed the entire trajectory of my life. I was on to fame & fortune, & I knew it the moment my parents excitedly said the words \u201cWe\u2019re moving!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When we got here, it was a bit of a bump adjustment. The culture was completely different than what I was used to, & while it was fun & exciting, it was also overwhelming. We were LDS (Mormon), when we moved to CA, & the combination of experiencing public schools here for the first time, which were substantially further ahead in their curriculum than New Mexico\u2019s schools we had just left \u2013 with the culture shock of 6th graders running around in belly shirts & makeup on, smoking their big sister\u2019s weed & stealing their parent\u2019s beer\u2026 let me tell you, it was a lot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had never been exposed to ANYTHING like this before moving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was quick to jump into that lifestyle. Drinking & smoking became the norm by 8th grade.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
& I chased that glamorous lifestyle, I was determined to be a Victoria\u2019s Secret Angel, slay all the runways, dominate Hollywood, & make it \u201cto the top\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I did pretty well for a while. I was signed by a few modeling agencies over the years, & while I got to do some pretty cool stuff & see some beautiful photoshoot locations \u2013 I was filling the cracks of my heart with drugs, alcohol, sex, & anything else that might fill the void I was experiencing through my parents divorce, & my own relationship problems. (Other stories for another time)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My numbing tactics turned into addictions, which lead me down a dark path in that industry. One that until now, only people that knew me at that time & before my business know about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I gave up my own self worth because I needed a paycheck. I sacrificed my body to feed an internal monster, a demon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I allowed pictures to be taken of me that I will never get back. They will be out there forever, & it\u2019s a reality that I will have to live with forever. I\u2019ve always had a fear that at the exact, perfectly wrong moment, someone would bring them up in front of everyone I loved \u2013 & I would be left naked for everyone to finally SEE who I was at that time\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A drug addict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Drowning in trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Neglecting myself to the most extreme extent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dying, desperate, & alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But that power is mine, & mine alone, & I will never allow that choice to affect the life I have created. I am not ashamed anymore, & while there is a scar where the wound was \u2013 it doesn\u2019t burnt with pain
anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s fuel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Empowerment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Beautiful, amazing, gorgeous contrast to my current reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am taking back my power surrounding this situation, my sexuality & my sensuality, my femininity\u2026 They are mine & I am not ashamed any more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A huge reason why I said goodbye to my dreams in the entertainment industry, aside from horrible decision making, was that I was left unfulfilled. I would leave a photoshoot feeling stifled. No one cared about my mind, & I got sick of hearing complaints that I just wasn\u2019t tall enough, or I was juuuust too thick. Feeling that my worth was determined by how much someone was willing to pay me for my looks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At this point in time, I can finally say that I am so grateful for all that I experienced in that industry. If I hadn\u2019t experienced the darkness that I had, I might still be chasing that empty dream.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The best gift I could have ever received in return for giving it all up \u2013 is the life I have now. & I just so happen to be in showbiz! Just a different, more amazing, badass kind<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Once upon a time.. Many lifetimes ago, in a land not too far from here, there lived another version of myself that starkly contrasts the one that exists in this reality. I say many lifetimes, but it was only a decade. I spent my adolescence in a little retirement community (turned meth\/prostitution-town) in Southern California, …<\/p>\n