I can\u2019t even begin to explain the transformation I\u2019ve experienced this past month, especially the latter half. To say it\u2019s been an intense experience would be an extreme understatement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I moved out of my ex\u2019s house a year ago, it was literally to save myself from the darkest days of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Honestly, it had very little to do with Charlie\u2019s dad. He was doing everything he knew to do, to keep me around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My mind was poisoned with trauma, past addictions, & resentments for EVERYONE.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was living in my own personal hell, unable to shake the memories that came flooding in every day to torment me while I played with my baby girl, & worked to create a business. Moments that from the outside looking in, looked perfect, ideal \u2013 but from the inside looking out, felt like a prison cell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My soul desperately needed solitude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Space to heal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I left.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
& for the most part the darkness went away! I got to experience life on my own again. I tasted the liberation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I climbed my way out of it, & while sometimes I would look back, down the at negative abyss behind me \u2013 I felt like I had overcome that stage in my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Last month-ish, the darkness returned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It had been a year since I had experienced this level of shadow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started drinking more to cope. Smoked more weed. Ate like shit. Stopped working out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I allowed negative thoughts to exist in my mind, & sometimes I even perpetuated them out of fear & anguish for being back in this place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Basically started acting like I was back at fucking phase 1 of this journey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Like I had forgotten everything I had learned about how to process this stuff, correctly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
& the darkness got darker. Thicker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Until one day, I felt an internal pull from a much higher version of myself. A dialogue. A small white light.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING COURTNEY. The Universe didn\u2019t give you this GIFT \u2013 your life \u2013 everything you have had the ability to create & the lifestyle that was MEANT for you specifically \u2013 so that you could sit around on your ass, get fucked up every chance you get, & ignore the things in your life that need your energy & attention.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
(To be clear, I mean business & self care \u2013 my daughter Charlie is the one constant that gets ALL of my effort & attention, & has been my one single positive in an ocean of negative frequency\u2026 but if you know me, you know that.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c- SO LET ME ASK YOU AGAIN COURT. What are you doing right now?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I could feel the urgency in this question so hard, it through me into a near panic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My next moves would be a major determining factor in how my future plays out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I decided one day, to clean. Clean everything. Saged like my life depended on it, every single time I felt the darkness creeping in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started journaling my way through it. At first I was journaling non-sense, but it eventually turned into healing productivity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
(It also helped me to remove an ancient writers block that I\u2019ve been struggling with for 2 years)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What happened next, was probably the hardest part of climbing out of that mess \u2013 I realized I have A LOT of people I need to forgive. Situations that need to be let go of once & for all. Resentments that need to be buried.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I asked for it. I prayed for it. I meditated on it (see: ho\u2019oponopono).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
& what do you know, the Universe provided me with TONS of situations that triggered me to remember specific situations I was still holding on to. Every single person was reminding me of something that had bothered me once, & I spent a lot of time in frustration that I was surrounded by all this past bullshit \u2013 & then I remembered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I asked for this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is how I let the negative resentments go. I react the right way this time. I process the emotions & energy coming from this situation. I don\u2019t let it fester, I FEEL. I communicate. I allow them in. & I in turn, consider them & their perspective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For me, that was forgiveness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The next step, was my physical health.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Excessive drinking, awful food choices, lazy tendencies, & poor content choices had to GO.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started filling my body & mind with nourishment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I got back into the gym.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I put HEAVY focus into what & how much food I\u2019m eating. (I have to put ENERGY into making sure I eat enough. Another subconscious thing we can talk about another time.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I decided on activities I would do, when I was triggered to drink, or take a step backwards in any way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I got back in touch with Nature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started creating again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ladies & gentleman, while I am not a finished product by any means, I certainly am feeling back on track. I\u2019m feeling the intensely high frequencies that our Universe is providing us with right now & rather than drowning, I\u2019m fucking SWIMMING in them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ll never stop having gratitude for that ability.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I can\u2019t even begin to explain the transformation I\u2019ve experienced this past month, especially the latter half. To say it\u2019s been an intense experience would be an extreme understatement. When I moved out of my ex\u2019s house a year ago, it was literally to save myself from the darkest days of my life. Honestly, it …<\/p>\n